Love, Life, and Lust

Passion, sex, relationships, love, and living… musings on what we REALLY are all about…Dr. Dawn Hopper

Lessons in life, love and lust… (with a good dose of humor) … Dr. Dawn Marlena Hopper

sex and love fairygodmother

Hello!  If you are reading this I have  captured your attention – OMG do I wish I had someone to help me navigate this world when I was younger… I did have my grandmother but she thought urine cured everything.  She lost credibility when she told me to put it on my lips to cure a cold sore.   My name is above, yes I am a PhD in Psychology, professor and therapist for too many years to count.  I’m working on a book about men and love since relationships and sexuality are one of my specialties.  I can also be found on blogspot hosting Bypassed to a better life- a weight loss surgery forum.  I have a blogspot site- Sex and Love 100 which is not as detailed, funny, racy as this one.  This is your forum to read and to question… I hope you enjoy it!

Break up on line? Ms. Pu; a Text Break -up? Please send me a hydrocodone . . .

Could someone please mail me a hydrocodone,

I have a splitting headache.

For the past month I’ve been preoccupied with my friend, SUZY’s break-up. Almost a year, after she rubbed the gloss off Mr. X, I’m a athlete (as long as it doesn’t cast money), into Zen (come and let us feel each other), I have a dick that never stops (I take Viagra because my prostrate isn’t working), entrepreneur (I’m chronically unemployed), and feminist (I’m into splitting the check and three-somes).  It was a yearlong, and YES SHE TEXTED her displeasure and need to break-up. They met, and she delivered the final blow. Cruel? For texting?  Considering their relationship was ½ texts, I think not. At least she had the courage to face him at Panera (while he ate and never offered her even a cup of coffee).

Speaking about breaking up via a text . . .

Bethany featured Quin Woodward Pu, a 26-year-old writer who kvetched –via her blog- Little Black Blog-about his break-up via text. Now Ms. Pu, you made a stink on national TV, I am sure it added revenue to your blog and career as a memoire writer but you certainly gave me pause (adding to my headache) because you are a self-centered, egoistical, prima-donna, who could not take a little rejection. Actually, rejection is too big a word. He was just not that interested in you. Get over it- it was two dates, and no sex (at least that is what you say).

However, after hearing you describe yourself as the kind of woman who gets a lot of attention from a lot of men, I’m sure the word rejection is not in your vocabulary.

GROW UP Ms. PU!

It was not a break-up! A break up results after a serious run of dates! My daughter, your age, Emily, says a break-up occurs after a commitment of monogamy and emotional commitment occurs between two people.

Are you nuts? “He was friendly enough, but annoyingly and sloppily drunk, which is why I offered my email address when he asked for my number.”

The day I’d offer my number to a drunken slob at a bar is the day someone needs to hit me in the head with a 2 x 4. They had a date, which turned dinner and champagne. “I kinda have chemistry with pretty much everyone, because I really like talking to people and winning over complete strangers.”

Are you kidding? Well that’s your problem. Normal people don’t think they have chemistry with everyone nor do they begin a conversation to win other people over. They consider sharing, enjoying debate, learning about another person.

If you take Ms. PU’s advice you need to have your head examined. Suzy had the same mantra- winning them over. That game plan bypasses authenticity. Mr. X, a creep, sought out all the things she needed in a mate; a good substitute father, sex, and intelligence. He had the smarts to placate her kids, eat her food, and take her money.

It is hard to be rejected.  But two dates? Please send me that hydrocodone. My head is beating . . .

 

RULES of on-line dating. . .

Regarding my  last post– It took another few mistakes and some time alone for my dear friend to settle down that desperation cue.  Unless you are in an exclusive relationship avoid these cues men can easily pick up on.  These go for online  dating- before you meet. The first vibe a men and women center on is the picture. That’s a fact. Neither of you would be in any contact unless you found each other attractive-based on that picture. Now begins that dance, the one of emails, texts or phone chat- before the meeting.  It’s ass backwards.  The meeting can throw it all off.  But that’s another story.  You see, when we get that ping, the email, the message it charges up the reward centers of our cortex like a pin-ball machine. All the “what-if’s” rage.  Anticipation can lead to desperation. Here are the signs: 

 

·        Calling, emailing, or texting way too much, always answering their texts or responses quickly.  NEVER appear to be eager.  Never text at 3 AM.  

Your words should equal his minus a few.  In other words answer his texts with the same amount of words no more.   You should NEVER initiate any texts or communication unless it is to cancel a date.  Don’t play the “I accidentally texted you.” ploy.   Men like what they can’t have and what is unavailable.  I’ve seen this undermine many women. Men have lay-dar, the ability to sniff out a desperate woman who’ll have sex with them- no strings attached.  By the way 57% of men have sex on the first date. It better not be you! I swear I’ll crawl through the Internet to slap you with the stupid stick.   

·         Speaking about texts, or phone calls, limit them to a time length-as in a few weeks. . Catfishing and pretext relationships are accomplished through hooking the other person and leading them on.  It’s also a method that is left for losers- what I mean by that is once someone is wooing their first choice, they like to keep other fish hanging on their lines. A back up plan.  My cousin THE DON of DATING does this. He racks them up like beer in the cooler. Don’t be the back-up.  Refuse the role.  You need to meet as soon as possible.  Meeting changes the dynamic- dramatically.  Give it no more than two weeks.  “What?” you are saying.  Yes- two weeks.  If he can’t meet you face to face you simply ask when he will be available and suggest that he contact you then.  If you are afraid you’ll lose him by having a boundary, question your desperation. By the way there are a hundred reasons why you should not enter a pretext relationhip.  That’s another blog.

·         When he calls you don’t answer so quickly.     

·         Unless you have met do not sit on the phone for a long period of time.  Your mind will tend to weave itself a fantasy that might not be as good as the real thing.

·         Never ever allow any sexual conversation to occur. That will get the stupid stick too.  You can make money for doing that shit- tell him to go go call 1800jerkoff.  Hang up if he begins any sex dialogue.  By the way here’s the line (from THE DON)…So what are you doing now? He’ll ask this at night when you’re laying in bed.  “I’m sitting next to my brother, the cop, watching TV.  Don’t fall for the “What are you wearing?” either. 

·         Never reveal any personal dilemma’s nor allow him to.  Catfishing requires that the hook reveal some common dilemma they both face.  Anyway, it’s not a good sign if he or you complain about facets of your life before you even met.

·         Never ever say that you’ll cancel plans so you can meet him.  “Oh, I have a wedding to go to but I think I’ll just cancel that so we can meet!”  Are you crazy? Only desperate women will cancel an event to meet a man. 

·         Desperate women give him every contact bit of information, the home phone, emails, work number.  Nix that.

·         Do not go over your dating history with him.  It’s none of his business and if he asks, having never met you, he is a control freak or he’s fishing to see what a desperate bottom sucker you are.

·         NEVER berate your ex.  Women who are still frothing over a past love signal desperate.  They are basically saying they need to be preoccupied by a new man.

·         Never tell him when your last relationship ended.  “Oh, I broke up with my boyfriend last week.”  You are telling him that you cannot stand to be be alone for seven f—king days.  Now that is desperate. 

·         Keep you tone of voice light and happy.  Please don’t make sexy talk or cutesy talk.  

·         Never ever tell a man you feel connected to them unless you have been seeing them for some time.  Yes, there are women who begin the phone and texting relationship and actually tell men that they feel a connection. To what? You only have some pictures and some words- incidentally words that are designed to entice you. That’s what we do, we put our best foot forward and seldom tell people about the job we just were fired form,  our debts. . you get it.  You can’t connect to someone you don’t know- if you think you can, get some help. 

·       Never discuss the future with a man you have not met!  I had a friend who asked a man to consider going on a trip with her, a trip I was going on—and they had never met! 

 This is important.  Many men derive a satisfaction from just the phone connection- and I’m not talking about sex.  Instead of having a real relationship they think they can connect to others and form a false belief that they are having dating and having a connection when they twiddle their fingers on a keyboard, or on that other thing, the one between their legs.  That might be all they need to be satisfied for a few hours.

 In addition I will share with you one other point.  For many men the texting allows some comfort with the initial period of ‘getting to know someone’.  There are great men out there but there are a lot of pussy hounds too.  men know that women are ultimately the choosers.  In other words you are the gatekeeper of your vagina.  The pressure to woo and win is daunting for most men.  I tell you to keep is short, friendly and sweet for another reason–don’t lead him on. If you met before you construct some crazy fantasy (which happens) the less chance you’ll bruise an ego. In the real dating world we first meet and then find common ground.  That is the way nature intended. That’s why you need to know my rules- they are based on our nature- and science.  

 

Desperate and Dating: You Might as Well Wear a Sucker Sign

Boundaries.

Rule number one.  The most sacred rule of all: boundaries.  You need boundaries.  Without them you compromise yourself, values and worse you send out the signal of DESPERATION.

Women appear to have much more desperation when looking for love than men.  If there is any cue that can bite you, it’s being desperate.  Nothing men like more than a desperate woman and a woman with low self-esteem.  It attracts the worst. There are blog sites that train men how to find a desperate woman out there. 

 

Desperation can bring out the worst.  It leads us to wear the too tight dress, revealing too much cleavage, coming off to sexual and nixing the chance to find that commitment switch.  Being the girl next-door is probably the most powerful tactic you can take in finding Mr. Right.  One of the biggest mistakes women make is in amping up their sexuability too soon.  Good men want wholesome women who will be fabulously sexual with them and only them. If you don’t agree go into therapy or become an escort.   

Tara.  She is probably one of the most beautiful women I know.  She had one goal: to find love. For the next year I watched her fumble and bumble her quest with at least twenty different guys.  For the sake of parsimony I’ll narrow them down—I want you to see how attachment style feeds off of desperation.  It you looked up that word in the dictionary her face would have been plastered to it. 

            At the time of her divorce I was a teaching at a small college and I introduced her to Rob, a clam handsome divorced father of two.  I knew him well, he came from a wonderful family and had strong values and was looking for exactly what she was; a loving partner to spend the rest of his life with.  He was secure, came from a close knit family and they hit it off.  She’d call me each day and tell me of their wonderful conversations and how quickly they found shared interests and that connection.  But a months into their connection I sensed something was wrong.  

            Driving some 60 miles each way to his house, she was there every day and had practically moved in. “Don’t you think you’re moving too fast,” I asked her.  She thought nothing of it and waylaid my fears.  But soon after he called me to tell me that he had to cool it all off.  “She’s a great woman, but she is too over powering.  I think she needs time to figure out what she wants,” he said to me.   The next weeks were spent weeping into my pillows and accidentally texting him.

            Her next plan was on-line dating.  After hundreds of profiles she found Barry, he looked good, had a great job and relayed that he was seeking a long-term relationship.  Barry however was our dismissive type; he was already forty and had never been married. All his vibes told me he lived to fly solo and had little need for a real relationhip—one that required real interaction—because for the next weeks they texted compulsively, chatted on the phone all night and there was still no meeting.  I had no doubt he was a pretexter- my term for those people who form on-line attachments and never move beyond the surreal world of texting and sexting because it satisfies them.  Finally she wrangled a meeting out of him.  When she stopped over before her date I was shocked.  She stood in a revealing dress, too blond, too overdone and raged desperateness. So can you guess what happened?  His picture didn’t say that his head was far too puny for his body, that he had a weak chin and small female-like hands.  Nor did it say I hate desperate women.  Before they even ordered the entrée he fled the scene.  We had another week of crying and self-loathing. 

            Even approaching that desperation thing was impossible.  Next was Mr. Preoccupied—Nate. The desperate meets the desperate.  Nate was handsome and giving and soon I named him Mr. Velcro.  That name—preoccupied—it means they are preoccupied with getting dumped. When you are afraid to lose in the game of love, you tend to do one thing; wind your way into that target’s  life.  He whined and wined her—practically moving into her house. He had no career to speak of other than worshiping the various women he had loved, or professed to have love.  I listened to his syrupy sweet anthems each night, and watched her walks around my house like a deranged Fellini character, in a bra and thong. I wanted to vomit.  

       Way too fast is how these relationships work because desperation feeds off other desperation.  It took some shocking realities to lift the veil; he was an alcoholic, had a criminal record, was living off his mother’s credit card, had no real job aspirations and the house he supposedly lived in?  At forty, he had 8 college aged roommates.  Her puppy dog turned into a monster. 

            Now that we’ve described it, my next blog will detail the signs.

In the meantime tell yourself you are worthy, he needs to prove himself- not the other way around.  Men need to compete, to woo and to work for our love.  THAT IS SCIENCE my dears.

Anything worth having is worth working for- the principle of effort justification.  Google that !     

Are You MAN-TIED? Manti T’eo and Lennya Kekua—it’s not so unusual . . . In online dating? Are you kidding?

Are MAN-TIED?  Manti T’eo and Lennya Kekua—it’s not so unusual . . . In online dating?  Are you kidding? 

http://www.cnn.com/2013/01/23/us/teo-hoax-abc/index.html

“Manti Te’o acknowledged to ABC’s Katie Couric that he maintained the illusion of his dead girlfriend in the weeks after he received a call claiming that Lennay Kekua and her death were hoaxes,” according to a CNN article.

Of course, this could never happen to you, right? WRONG!  Every time you are ONLINE led on by someone who’s connecting with you, texting, calling, and causing you to move into high hopes and big expectations, you’re re MAN-TIED.

Take Kate.  Educated, good-looking, independent woman friend.  Mr. X responds to her profile.  They appear to hit it off.   Kate has been looking for MR. #1 for a while. Lots of dead ends, goofballs, idiots, liars and some rebuffs. Some desperation.  She’s quite happy when this one seems on be on track.  But Logical Kate knows logically it’s nothing more than a connection.  What she doesn’t know that she’d more delighted than she may know. Her brain is in need of a good boost of happy neurotransmitters. They rush out and make her happy but they are not done with her.  Her reward center, the one that is connected to love, sex and desire is switching on.

Kate and Mr. X begin texting one another.  Back and forth they bat cute comments and quips.  “We’re so much alike,” she says to me at dinner.  While she is thinking she might have just discovered her other half, I want to bleat, “What do you except?  Do you think he’ll tell you he doesn’t like romantic flicks?

He’s in Panama digging the canal and they can’t yet meet.  He’s collecting insects for a research project.  He doesn’t like the phone.  Her comment, “He’s an intellect.” My thoughts?  Can’t make himself available, travels a lot and bugs, the bug thing is a turn off.  “Does he know that you call the exterminator for fruit flies?”

Three weeks go by and she has callouses on the finger tips. X is wonderful, considerate, and funny.  She’s imagining his home, the smell of the blueberry pancakes she knows he’s cooking.  She pulls up his profile and tells me to read a line she’s intrigued by.

“I like the ordinary, I find consolation in the ordinary events of the day, a butterfly on a flower, the morning dew on a blade of grass—oh war is not me!”

“He’s deep; he doesn’t seem to need a lot to make him happy.” Here is what I hear.  Ordinary.  Who doesn’t appreciate the simple things?  And who the hell would say “I like the complicated things in life.  And that war thing?  Where did that come from?  Day by day imaginary boyfriend grows larger than life and they’re imaginarily traipsing through her mind and imagination. Suddenly Walt Whitman-Alan Ginsburg is going on hikes with her; she’ll bring brie and wine.  He likes Pinot Noir.  “I’m going to take X to the nature conservatory, what do you think?  “There’s the new art exhibit in town, German Expressionism.  I felt like Munch’s The Scream, and I did.  “This guy isn’t real—you’ve never met him!”

It’s week four.  Suddenly X’s opinions matter.  “So today, X, said that there is going to be a wheat shortage in Italy and the price of pasta will soar.”  as a consummate Italian, normally a pasta-world-crisis would pull me out of a deep sleep.  I look at her. “Since when is X a part of your opinions?

“You know, we’ve been talking for over a month.  It’s like we’ve been on thirty dates.”

“If you had really been on thirty, dates, made it to thirty dates, you’d be having great sex, wonderful meals, holding hands and spooning as you planned moving-in, a honeymoon or a vacation.  You’d know his family, kids, and all his nuances.

Nuances?  Yes, the shit that can make it our break it.  The throat clearing, nasal spray he just have to use—and God forbid the wandering eye.

‘Wandering eye?”

“My friend Bunny dated a guy with wandering eye. She couldn’t tell from the camera shot, his eye had a three second fix point but then it would move off to the side. She had to take Dramamine just to follow his conversations.

“Whew, you got me worried.” Said Kate. “I was thinking about the other wandering eye, you know the kind of guy who can’t focus on you and as you’re talking, he looks off and follows some bouncing ass across the room.

“Oh, he had that too, In fact I think that’s how got it—eye torsion, he was the worst cheat.”

Week five.  Imaginary boyfriend is stalled in the amazon.  No contact for three days. I was waiting for him the send her the ransom note looking for money.  I packed her and her vodka up and we went to my house for the weekend. An artic storm hit and the power went out.  She sat in my snowbound car charging the phone and waited for her imaginary boyfriend to respond.

“I sent him five texts today and he hasn’t answered!  Do you think that’s too many? I mean after all he could be kidnapped, he could be sick, I’m just concerned.”

“No you’re desperate.”

My friend was man-tied.  Her emotions were Shanghaied.  It could have been deliberate; he could have been pranking her.  Or he could have been living out a pseud relationship just to have semi-phone sex and a feeling he was really dating.   Dabble-dating, a form of flirting.  Anytime anyone amps up your amorous expectations and doesn’t come through you are Mantied.   T’o-ed.

RULE: Keep texts and emails brief, unemotional, light and to the point.  Unless you want an imaginary friend, you need to meet.  If they can’t, you ask them when they think they will be back from Mount Everest, the golf tour, digging in Egypt and say, “I will contact you again when you are free.”  Don’t stray.  Don’t be weak.  Don’t succumb to keeping even a light contact.

  Why would you do that-desperation?  You think he’ll find another love if you snap the chord.  Well, consider this a test.   A serious guy will want to get down to business sooner than later.

Did friend ever meet him?  Yes.  After months imaginary boyfriend showed up.  He had a voice like Mr. Rogers.  Yes, the Mr. Rogers.  The man with the Kids TV show.  And he was wearing a cardigan.

OMG. The top sex SEX and maybe love LOVE blogs

http://www.invesp.com/blog-rank/Sex

The top fifty sex and (supposedly love sites)

I took a tour with a person who saw merit in my blog and took it on without $$$.  Unsophisticated I might be in the settings and all the trapping, this person is a maven of blogging.  So here we go on a tour.  OMG.  Here I am, from the generation that practically invented sex, with a PhD, and I am …searching for a word beyond mortified..stunned.

It was sik, Sick, shichh.

Are you fucking kidding me?

Up the ass with a hairbrush?

In a taxi with a bum?

Taking a hose up your ass?

Letting strange men into your vagina?  (It will never work)

Citing the characteristics that make a woman easy (you are wrong)

Trying to make that women want you more with tongue flicking? (Try being romantic and KIND)

Like to fuck strangers?  (You need a cortical restructuring-maybe a lobotomy)

The sad truth is sadder than I could imagine.  Sex is nothing without some human connection.  I don’t care if you are gay, transgendered or bi–it is a sacred act between two individuals who have a sense, even a small sense of caring between one another.  Otherwise you don’t qualify as an animal.  They have hormones and a brain that guides them.  What do you have?

http://sexinthepublicsquare.org/   you are boss!

kudos to http://shine.yahoo.com/love-sex/    you present a wonderful debate.

HEARTISTE – is missing.  a great blog, but missing a female perspective and too much male hard-on. They do hit the mark on some things-but for all the wrong reasons.  Hey guys- men want to love.  They are wired to love.  You are slitting your throat to spire your face.

Here are the top fifty.  I want to mostly vomit.  If you think I am incorrect- please blog me.  I’m a critical thinker and open to change.

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1st Ask Dan and Jennifer 561 31,125 125,108 13 n/a 5 rss 100 100 1st
2nd Very Smart Brothas 3,802 149,130 232,606 12 n/a 5 rss 99.83 100 2nd
3rd Susie Brights Journal 3,408 n/a n/a 12 n/a 6 rss 98.4 100 3rd
4th This Could Be Dangerous… 1,277 391,574 330,780 6 n/a 3 rss 97.91 100 4th
5th Hey Epiphora 1,880 574,806 200,427 7 n/a 3 rss 97.81 100 5th
6th Savage Love Podcast 28,831 n/a n/a 1 n/a 6 rss 97.78 100 6th
7th Dick-n-Jane 540 75,485 206,183 15 n/a 3 rss 97.05 100 7th
8th Sex and the Ivy 1,038 1,250,555 1,411,867 7 n/a 4 rss 96.64 100 8th
9th violet blue ® :: open source sex n/a 71,483 148,327 12 n/a 5 rss 96.01 100 9th
10th Pleasurists 377 1,984,101 482,273 12 n/a 3 rss 95.85 100 10th
11th Curvaceous Dee 727 1,290,762 1,032,027 3 n/a 3 rss 95.83 100 11th
12th e[lust] 69 522,368 608,152 5 n/a 4 rss 95.5 100 12th
13th Pop My Cherry Review 238 480,512 540,071 6 n/a 3 rss 95.4 100 13th
14th A View from the Floor 340 882,755 1,884,144 7 n/a 2 rss 95.38 100 14th
15th Honey and Lance 304 750,512 1,115,039 6 n/a 3 rss 95.22 100 15th
16th Regina Lynns SexRev2.0 1,295 1,704,950 3,805,133 6 n/a 4 rss 95.19 100 16th
17th Between My Sheets 648 238,340 355,168 6 n/a 4 rss 95.16 100 17th
18th Mommy Has A Headache 752 n/a 1,512,848 3 n/a 4 rss 95.15 100 18th
19th Cherry TV – “Juicy Talk for Women” n/a 158,480 824,048 27 n/a 4 rss 94.94 100 19th
20th Savvy Miss Love & Sex n/a 204,094 540,750 11 n/a 4 rss 94.92 100 20th
21st The Reverse Cowgirl n/a n/a 452,817 6 n/a 6 rss 94.39 100 21st
22nd Alan & Michele 46 1,233,387 620,096 4 n/a 3 rss 94.33 100 22nd
23rd (( VaginaPagina )) n/a n/a n/a 6 n/a 4 rss 93.98 100 23rd
24th Love + Sex n/a n/a n/a 25 n/a 6 rss 93.92 100 24th
25th pretty dumb things n/a n/a n/a 1 n/a 5 rss 93.76 100 25th
26th aag n/a 1,727,420 1,213,529 7 n/a 4 rss 93.72 100 26th
27th SexGenderBody 188 1,080,998 2,514,560 11 n/a 5 rss 93.6 100 27th
28th Polyamory Weekly n/a 643,962 1,530,391 11 n/a 4 rss 93.51 100 28th
29th Midwest Teen Sex Show n/a 525,090 3,919,841 20 n/a 5 rss 93.24 100 29th
30th Practical Polyamory? 256 n/a 4,907,345 2 n/a 4 rss 93.14 100 30th
31st Erotic Aeva n/a n/a 7,452 2 n/a 1 rss 92.85 100 31st
32nd The Spanking Writers n/a n/a n/a 8 n/a 3 rss 92.81 100 32nd
33rd Screaming Violet 127 2,243,955 1,293,130 5 n/a 3 rss 92.69 100 33rd
34th Having My Cake and Eating It Too n/a 785,868 1,304,076 10 n/a 4 rss 92.66 100 34th
35th Beyond the Birds & the Bees n/a n/a n/a 3 n/a 6 rss 92.64 100 35th
36th A Woman And Her Wand n/a 4,096,182 518,162 2 n/a 2 rss 92.61 100 36th
37th Heartbreak Nymphomania 364 2,377,169 4,115,001 2 n/a 3 rss 92.48 100 37th
38th Sex In The Public Square – activism + community + information n/a 961,529 2,084,889 10 n/a 4 rss 92.45 100 38th
39th Diary of a Kinky Librarian n/a 2,455,265 1,953,443 3 n/a 3 rss 92.43 100 39th
40th Wanton Lotus Reviews 116 2,717,266 2,096,355 4 n/a 3 rss 92.42 100 40th
41st Having my cake and eating it too n/a n/a n/a 1 n/a 4 rss 92.32 100 41st
42nd San Francisco Sex Information n/a n/a n/a 1 n/a 4 rss 92.24 100 42nd
43rd AstraMatch Blog n/a n/a n/a 5 n/a 3 rss 92.11 100 43rd
44th The Virginity Project n/a n/a n/a 4 n/a 3 rss 92.11 100 44th
45th rhiinpink.com n/a n/a n/a 1 n/a 3 rss 92.08 100 45th
46th moystoys n/a n/a 1,223,259 3 n/a 1 rss 92.07 100 46th
47th ihavesexwithstrangers n/a n/a 636,049 4 n/a 1 rss 92.05 100 47th
48th debauchette n/a 950,366 3,247,359 2 n/a 5 rss 91.99 100 48th
49th Adele Haze’s ‘Spanking Model Speaks’ n/a 575,700 2,353,573 7 n/a 3 rss 91.92 100 49th
50th Married And Happy

We Want It All, Just Like Bogie And Bacall.

We Want It All, Just Like Bogie And Bacall..

This is a repost from a great blog.  So agree!

Dr. Oz’s Bad Sex Dream Information

I wrote this a few months back but found it sitting in my edit file.  It deserves to be posted.  I usually agree with Dr. Oz but he isn’t a psychologist.  He told his audience that dreams really meant something.  Sorry to tell  you but  most are mental bullshit.  And the sex dreams?  Forget it.  If you can program your mind go to bed with the most beautiful, greatest and most  capable sex partner tell me about it.  But NEVER tell your partner.

Dr. Oz was wrong about dreams.   So you have a sex  dream.  What does it mean?  Is it the result of desires, unresolved issues, anger, secret or unconscious wishes?  Most likely it is nothing! For the most part your dreams are nothing but mental garbage!  You had a slew of dreams last night and your brain is programmed so you don’t recall any of them.  But we sometimes recall the last one of the night or the very anxiety provoking ones.  Our anxieties do infiltrate our dreams so those dreams where your boss is strangling us might reflect a grain of your reality.  But sex dreams? Dr. Oz gave bad information today.  Sex dreams are not only normal but they do not predict anything.  Rarely can you control who the hell you are having sex with.

Ten years ago I had a sex dream about our next door neighbor “Old Bill,” who was about 90 and had at least ten cats.  The worst part of the dream is that it was great sex.  I had outrageous fantastic sex with this old man.   I mean sex that ended with the big O!  What made it all worse was that my poor husband kept asking me to invite Old Bill over for dinner like we used to do.  I hid my ace when I told him I was just too tired to make a meal and invite company which was a huge lie since every weekend we had 20 people eating in our Kitchen.  the truth was that my dream was so vivid I could never look at “Old Bill” in the face again.  I mean, I saw him naked.  I saw his old wrinkled face licking my body!  We orgasmed together.  How could i ever talk to this wrinkled old-cat-lover-hunched over-speck-of -a man again?  Worse- how could I explain it to husband-Clint-Eastwood-George-clooney-look-alike.  I couldn’t.  I neglected my garden,  never went out without sunglasses and the few times Old Bill said hello I was tormented.

I was tempted to ask him “if it was as good for him as it was for me” but I ended up ignoring the poor old man until we moved a year later!

Why did I dream about Old Bill?  Was it some secret desire?  Not at all.  I probably went to bed a little amorous and that very night I remember that David was outside cleaning our pool and talking to Old Bill.  It is all normal.  Enjoy them now because as you age you will have less and less of them.

Wouldn’t it be great if we could program ourselves to dream about great looking sexy people and have a happy ending?  Most of the time we wake up before that point!  Thankfully sex dreams mean nothing.  Straight sex, gay sex, sex with strangers and sex with people you know and the worst, sex with someone strange.  A few years back a student told me he had a dream that he had sex with older woman who served him his cafeteria meal each day in high school.  Hundreds of pounds overweight, mole on her face with a billy-goat beard, he told the entire class he had crazy-good sex with her.   But this was topped by another students who anxiously waited for my office hour to come and ask me what I thought of his sex dream: he dreamed he had sex with a dog.  “What’s wrong with me?” He asked.

“Nothing.  The first good thing is that you feel disgusted and the second good thing is that you didn’t go to the pound and adopt a dog.” I told him.

Old Bill died last week.  I did go to the wake.  There I stood by his closed eyes and sent him a message.  “I hope I made you happy.” I said.

I hope I made you laugh.  an essential bit of happiness is to be able to laugh at ourselves.   For more on that topic visit my blog list.

The Love Lost Generation: The Problem with On-line Dating and Choice

The Love Lost Generation: The Problem with On-line Dating and Choice. 

Love-lost genration?  Sadly we are more confused than ever.  Our cave life made it all much simpler. A hundred possbile dates?  Are you kidding?

GF Becca calls.  Disgusted with on-line dating- too much time, too much work, too little results.  Is she alone?  Hardly. The industry calls it “one of the best tools,” but unfortunately our cave brains see it as a massive stimulus overload.  You just have too many choices!  It might seem great to have hundreds of potential matches but then again our mind plays some tricks with all that information.  First, it gives us a false sense of confidence that we are in more control than we are.  Then we make the next mistake, thinking we have control we maximize our pay-off. So when Becca saw Tom, a heart surgeon who took a liking to her pic, she chose him—Not for nothing but Becca is a cocktail waitress and wouldn’t know an artery from an arterial.

What she doesn’t know is that our brains get irritated when we are faced with too much choice.  Oh how we hate to be wrong, indecisive and leave tings to chance.  So she makes her contact.  Now her brain decides to screw her over again—she becomes convinced they are destined. She goes back to his profile and works over all the reasons they are a couple. We call it post-decision dissonance and without all the science gab, it’s a way that we make ourselves feel better after we make a choice. We feelmore confident.  Those dating sites know this.  They know you might do all the things that Becca did and that’s why they give you certain information and then smack it with a percentage.  He was 97% her match.  For the next day she read, reread and presumed that they had everything in common.  Now effort- justification kicks in.  What’s that? It’s when we amp up our confidence that our efforts are well-justified.  After all, she spent two solid days filling our questionnaires and another weekend responding to questions and queries.  Our minds don’t like to think our efforts are worthless and Becca was absolutely convinced that there was a pay-off in there for her.  Of course her mind filled in all the gaping pot-holes in her path—after all with hundreds of choices and a 97% match, what could go wrong? Plenty.

The date was a disaster.  He, like 67% of men use on-line dating as a hook-up tool.  After plying her with gin he proceeded to tell her about his other vein—She bolted from the restaurant.

But even if that last scenario didn’t happen all that choice lends us to experience some big disappointment. So what can you do? First you just learned something about how thinking can undermine our efforts.  However in the next weeks I’ll set out some great rules that can help in maximizing on-line dating efforts.

For more information:   Online Dating: A Critical Analysis From the  Perspective of Psychological Science, by Eli J. Finkel, Paul W. Eastwick, Benjamin R. Karney, Harry T. Reis, and Susan Sprecher

Never say PENIS in the classroom- How do you say PENIS in Danish?

A few weeks ago I sat through a hearing in a college campus where the word Penis was discussed.  It offended Ms. P–so much that she blocked the context it was used in.  Penis Envy maybe?  After all in PSY 101 penis is in the text book and their website 267 times.  Which brings me to the biggest question or issue: our cock-eyed view of sexuality.  On one hand we’ve ushered in a new age  but on another hand we’ve closed the door to education and query.  Each year when I teach human sexuality I face 50% of the class-young men-who have some rather peculiar ideas about that thing.  Science says that almost all of them feel slighted by size and at the same time the other 50% of women in the room report they are completely happy with what the love-object in their life has.  No doubt watching porn and making your comparison with ginormous schlongs makes men shirk and shrink–so much so that it’s fueled an industry designed to pump and plump it up.  The newest craze is fat injections!  So every year I take the task of debunking some sex-myths out there.  Bent, curved, thin, fat, long, short, pink, dark, purple–when a woman loves a man it doesn’t matter.  Then again it might–in Denmark.

But it might in Denmark.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/10/12/smallest-penis-contest_n_1962514.html

Yes, there is a small penis contest.  You have to snap it in a photo at its fullest.  You can win an Iphone or Ipad if you can document you’ve got the tiniest erection in Denmark–and fame because the pictures will be public.   But you have to be human–I was thinking of entering the picture of the Gorilla my research buddy gave me one year.  A full 2 cm’s erect.  PIK is the word in Danish for penis.  I wish I knew it when I used penis.  Evidently another Ms. P. was up to saying that word – Katy Perry said it http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1pImV1y5S3c PIK PIK PIK

So with all our openness we still manage to offend and we still manage to do some rather stupid things.  I don’t know what end of that spectrum I’m on because I never thought the word penis was offensive.  I find it a lot more offensive to sneer and take pictures.  Because we don’t do that to women.  We don’t have contests where they are supposed to highlight what they think are their deficits like the saggy boob contest, or the biggest vagina award.  But it’s somehow OK to make fun of men.  That is what I find offensive.  I’m sitting here thinking, can’t people find other things to do with their energy?  By the way the average penis is 5.5 inches and very few are very small and very few are giant.  And remember, we really don’t care.

http://www.jimhodgson.com/2010/05/10/gorilla-misogyny/

Jim has a link for more info on Gorialla penis’s-  he is tired of being made fun of.

 

See how he feels about all this

From Jim Hodgson Things and also stuff

Beauty Matters

Beauty matters. It took mother to remind me of this—she’s 87. Seems like all the years trying to get her to look at the computer were in vain—it was her vanity that took her to the mouse in search of a lipstick she had to have—hers was on its last lick. She sat all afternoon savoring http://www.beautynewsnyc.com, in my construction-zone of a house while my husband hammered away above us. She never noticed–him in his short shorts or the pounding. Mesmerized by pages of beauty tips and news she finally broke the spell and spoke. “Beauty matters,” said. All of a sudden I wondered if she thought I’d forgotten; in 90 + degree weather, putting a new roof on ourWoodstock house, I nixed the make-up and hair for a week—my bare ass hadn’t seen the shower either.

“Mom, of course I know it matters.” She sensed my concern. “No, I don’t mean you, I mean you psychologists—you know, they think it all comes from inside. You can’t forget that no one likes the gift that comes in a brown paper bag.” She laughed and added, “We all need a little gift wrap.” How right she is. Beauty is not a nasty word; it influences what other’s think of us and what we think of us. I’m not talking about ravishing beauty, I’m not talking about obsessive beauty—everyone is beautiful; we need to take pleasure in enhancing our appearance A refined face belies a refined person.

Sure we judge books by their covers; are you supposed to read the damn thing standing at the bookshelf? Taking care of our outer self is very crucial—one of the first signs of depression is a lack of regard for one’s beauty. Have you ever left the hair dressers feeling on top of the world? Sure you have. My grandmother would practically hop and skip on the sidewalk after—and she left with a purple head. Did you know the hottest selling female product in recessions is lipsticks and beauty products—why? Oh, how great we feel with a new face. There I sat, on wood floors heaved from the rain that in puddles while I was dining in Italy, staring up at a hole in my roof that now revealed the big dipper, while watching the dollar bills being transformed into plywood, shingles and sheet rock. I went into the bathroom to see what I could scrap off of my cruddy mosquito bitten body and see what I could scrape up—in the make-up department. I spied it on the sink. Mom had left her prized lipstick, nearly dead, but just enough so I could feel like kissing my misery away, with my construction foreman, who wanted to fiddle, but not on the roof. Thanks mom.

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